A.S.S. (Another Short Something) ~ (?Action Samuel Story?)
This is a little something I came up after finding some downtime.
The soapy naked dark-skinned man flailed as he dropped out of the magical portal. He let out a scream in surprise and doubled down with another as he struck the floor. His limbs sprawled out in every direction upon the filthy stones.
Galadin, the normally ever vigilant warrior, couldn’t resist glancing over at the middle-aged man. In doing so he had left himself vulnerable to his adversary. He was fortunate in that his adversary, the dark sorcerer Sarlock, had also been by surprise and so failed to take advantage of the knights tactical failing. Galadin turned back towards the evil caster and raised his sword and shield anew as he said, “Are you going to summon infants to fight for you next?”
Sarlock focused once more upon the warrior and sent another wave of electrical darts towards him. He shouted out towards Samuel saying, “I summoned you! I now command you to fight this wretched knight for me!”
The naked moaned as he tried regaining his footing. He caught sight of the two figures battling one another and said, “What the fuck! What in the hell is going on here?”
Sarlock the caster cried out, “Yes my summoned minion, I command you to kill this accursed knight!”
Galadin kept his shield up to absorb the magical darts but managed to get a few blade lunges in towards Sarlock. None of them found their mark. From behind his shield, he glanced back towards the naked man and said to the caster, “It would appear that you have upset your masters in hell and they have sent you him as an insult.”
Now steady on his feet, the naked man said, “Where the fuck am I?” Without waiting for a response he blurted out towards the knight, “Wait. What? Are you saying I’m here as some sort of punishment to that fucker?” He shook his head and brought his hands up before his eyes and started pushing in on them. “Tainted weed. That’s gotta be it. I’m still in the shower and am having some fucked up hallucination!” He cried out to the AEther, “LaTanya! Can you hear me?”
Galadin went on the offense again and made another lung. This time caught the sorcerer on his side. The sorcerer let out a scream of pain but didn’t go down. Instead, he stumbled backward and let off a more darts with renewed vigor. The sorcerer cried out to Samuel, “I command that you kill this knight!”
The naked man snapped back from glancing up at the domed room’s ceiling. “Hey motherfucker, I ain’t your bitch. Fuck that!” He crossed his arms, “Fucking hallucination is thinking it can order me around. I need to get out of here.”
Sarlock snapped back, “Only I can return you back from which you came!”
The naked man had a split second to weigh the levity of that statement. “So you brought me here? And you are saying you can get me home again?” He mumbled under his breath, “Provided this is all just a bad trip…” He shouted aloud, “Sure, why the fuck not.”
Galadin made another jab at the sorcerer and this too found its mark. Sarlock again yelled out in pain.
The naked man started stepping towards the knight as the knight gave up his advance to protect his flank. The knight said, “My fight is not with you naked man.”
Samuel paused his advance seeing how the knight’s blade was now waiving in his direction. It looked more real than any hallucination he could ever recall as he noted the notches and scrapes along the edge of the blade.
The knight said with affirmation, “Do not listen to the vile caster, he will say anything to save his wretched life. He has escaped my blade too many times in the past, but not today.” He gave a small shake to his blade. “Do not foil my geas.”
Samuel glanced down at his own empty hands and said back to the knight saying, “Would you strike an unarmed man? Now if I had a blade of my own.” Inspiration struck as he blurted out, “Like my light-saber.” He felt his right hand constrict of its own volition around something cylindrical. He glanced down and saw that in his hand he now had his movie prop light-saber.
Galadin seemed to note the sudden appearance of the item as his posture changed. He said, “What foul magic is this?” Without waiting for a reply he blurted out, “You are a demon from the hells after all.” He adjusted his footing and swung in a giant cleave.
Samuel lifted his handle and pressed the button along its side. The energy blade sprung to life. Galadin’s blade struck against the column of energy and split asunder. The severed end half, still working under the laws of physics, struck Samuel along the side of his body. Luckily it was the flat of the blade. This sent him reeling. He lost his grip on his saber and struck his head against the stone floor. Samuel’s presence in itself was starting to fade thanks to the blow as Samuel thought to himself, Oh good, maybe this fucked up trip will be over and I’ll come back too on the floor of my shower.
That didn’t happen. His vision started coming back into focus as he saw the sorcerer cast a spell and ensnare the knight in a mess of white strands that resembled a giant web. The sorcerer let out a cry of glee. “I’ve got you now!” The sorcerer looked over in Samuel’s direction and noted the saber handle on the floor.
Samuel started to crawl his way towards the weapon but hadn’t regained enough motor control to reach it before the caster. The caster picked it up as Samuel struggled once more to his feet and said, “Hey motherfucker, that’s my light-saber. Hands off. Nobody touches my saber.”
Sarlock tilted his head towards the side, “You use that word a lot, ‘Motherfucker’. Is that the name of your master? My spell obviously went rogue.” He flicked the switch and the blade came to life. “From which realm did I pluck you out of?”
Samuel straightened his footing and said, “Ain’t nobody my master… cept my wife.”
Sarlock didn’t seem to hear Samuel’s response as his focus was still on the blade, “Interesting.” He made a quick lunge toward Samuel. Much to Samuel’s relief it was but a feint. “It weighs almost nothing yet has the ability to cleave steel.” He started towards the encased knight, “I want to see it do it again.”
The knight shouted out towards Samuel, “Are you a minion of hell?” Samuel shook his head. “Are you a vile creature of blackness?” Samuel again shook his head but he wasn’t entirely sure where this was going seeing how he was buck naked and everyone could see his skin. The knight pleaded, “Save me and I will owe you a life debt!”
Knowing this wasn’t the time or place to say his thoughts, but also hoping this was all a really bad trip, he did anyway. “You mean like Chewbacca? A life debt?”
The Knights head bobbed in a way that indicated he had no idea what a Chewbacca was but he wasn’t going to question it. “Yes I will owe you a Chewbarker”
Sarlock scoffed as he glanced back over towards Samuel again. “He weapon resides in my hand. He poses no threat.” He scoffed again, “Besides, that wasn’t even the word he used. ‘Chewbarker’?” He brought the energy blade up to the knight’s face.
Samuel said, “Excuse me but for how long have you two motherfuckers been trying to kill one another?”
The knight answered with an elevated tone, “It’s been over forty moons.”
The energy blade was throwing arcs that licked at the sweat on the knight’s face. Samuel said, “Over what exactly?”
Sarlock didn’t bother looking away from the knight as he said, “What does it matter? In a few breaths, he will be dead, and all your questions will be for naught.”
Samuel could see the dried blood on the knight’s forehead from where the blood in the veins had boiled and erupted out from under the skin. The caster gave a chuckle. Samuel said, “Okay I am definitely getting the evil vibe off of this motherfucker.” He asked the knight, “So what is your story knight?”
The knight blurted out, “I fight for the righteous. I fight for those who cannot defend themselves. I fight for justice.” He shouted at the caster, “I will hunt you even in death.”
Samuel said aloud, “So cliché…” The caster faced away from the knight to give him a quizzical look. Samuel addressed the caster, “So it was your ass that pulled me into this trippy ass nightmare.” The caster’s eyelids narrowed some as if he was pondering killing Samuel to shut his ass up. Samuel caught on to the look and added. “So that means you can get me back home?”
The caster gave a self-indulgent smile. “Yes. I can put you back where you belong.”
The casters particular word choice was not lost on Samuel. “So, that kind of puts me at your mercy.”
Sarlock gave another quick chuckle and faced the knight again. “Yes, yes it does.”
Samuel gave a heavy sigh. “And I hope you both know I’m still hoping this is all some fucked up trip. But, even though I’m hoping you both are all just figments, I can’t allow you to kill this knight guy in cold blood.”
Sarlock pulled the blade away from the knight’s face and brought it to bear on Samuel. Samuel, weaponless as he was, knew his next line. He brought his hand up and pointed at the blade as he said, “Oh no, you’re holding a mother fucking snake in your mother fucking hand!”
The light of the saber blinked out of existence and was replaced but the dull sheen of dark green and black along its topside and a scaled white along its underside. The caster had no idea what he was holding onto. Until its length went limp and its head, which he was holding, sank its teeth into the meat of his palm. The caster cried out released the serpent. The snake slapped against the stone floor and curled itself up with its head poised as if to strike again.
Samuel didn’t try to pursue the caster as he backed away with a crazed and bewildered look on his face. The caster fled down the staircase to the level below.
The snake took it upon itself to slither away as the knight said, “You have saved my life.” He gave a heavy exhale adding, “And now I owe you mine in return.” He watched as the snake found its way under a bookshelf. Addressing Samuel, “From where do you come?”
Samuel, looked his naked ass over before saying, “I’m pretty sure my ass is curled up on the bottom of my shower?”
The knight said with confusion in his voice, “So have come from the realm of shower?”
“You probably have no idea what a bathroom is? That means no toilets?” A sense of dread came over him. “And nothing to wipe your ass’s with?” What stung more was realizing his stay here might not be as short as he had hoped. With apathy, he replied, “Sure, why the fuck not.” He had a flashback to a favorite movie of his which starred Louis Gossett Jr. and said, “All Hail the House of the Mouse.”
Galadin said, “You have magic like I have never seen before.”
“Yeah, it’s a special form of green magic.”
“You are a druid? That would explain your lack of garments.”
Being reminded of his exposure Samuel began glancing around the room for something to adorn. “I wouldn’t put that much thought into all this.”
The knight said in a muted tone. “You, you do not sound confident of magic?”
Not spotting anything, Samuel instead reached out with his index finger and touched the white residue covering the knight. “I’m not even sure why I’m here.”
“Did Sarlock not pull you out from the realm of Shower? Did you strike your head too hard on the stones?”
“Not hard enough.” He pulled his hand away but a tendril of the substance was attached to the end of his finger. “So how do I get you out of this?”
“It will dissolve on its own in a short period of time.” Galadin cleared his throat, “So you are not from Hell?”
“Hollywood, kinda the same.”
“Your tone, you made it sound like it is most vile.”
Samuel turned away and looked over the room again hoping to find something not filthy to adorn himself in. “Is everything as dirty as it smells here?”