Relationships are for the deranged
So a friend of mine, I will use the name Kim, sent me a link about relationships since I have been chatting with her about a few of the difficulties I have faced in my own.
In my extensive reading(skimming) of the article I ran across it saying… “All couples fight. Sometimes they quarrel over immediate issues that can be resolved, but most of the time they are fighting about perpetual problems that have no solution. Those are usually rooted in deep-seated personality clashes.”
I thought “okay” and started to read it a bit more closely.
Then I read this… “Depression highlights what Gottman calls the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse in blocking emotional connection. Defensiveness, contempt, criticism and stonewalling are the worst behaviors that escalate from disagreement into angry fighting.”
Talk about a gut punch that reaches all the way to the gonads. It goes on to say… “Staying together over the long haul depends on showing concern, warmth, responsiveness and affection. If one turns away or ignores these affectionate gestures, there’s little basis for sustaining connection.”
I have been trying to be the positive in my marriage as my wife does suffer from depression. I just feel… ignored. It’s kind of like constantly holding open the door for a person who does not even so much as grumble a thanks. Now I’m not saying that is exactly it but at times it does feel like it. I *NEED* a little reciprocation now and again. In no way am I saying I expect a 50/50 split by any means for I know that at some things people are just different. What I am trying to say however is that if you keep your dog chained up in the backyard for long enough eventually that dog is going to want to jump the fence and seek out contact elsewhere. Am I calling myself a dog? Sure why not. I’m a man and I think about boobies and admit it freely. It comes with the package (pun intended).
” The inability to resolve the problems adds to the pain that partners feel.”
True true true
“He emphasizes that a relationship needs to have a lot more positive than negative experiences to survive.”
So when I say “want to go out tonight?” and get the response of “that place sucks” or “too crowded” or “I’m tired” or something else it kind of starts to wear me down. You can’t build positives when your natural mode is so damn negative.
That being said I love my wife and want to stay with her but at times I feel like the white knight(which I know i’m not) ridding up to battle the big black dragon(of depression) and hoping to drag her back to the land of smurfs and smiles(I actually hate smurfs).
I’m sure in her mind I’m the emotionally needy self loathing victim who is constantly bugging her with ridiculous ideas and she wishes I would just leave her alone.
Marriage… relationships….sanity…
all overrated 😛