The Elevator Pitch

A black robed man sprinted towards and called out as the elevator’s doors began closing, “Can you hold it please?”

Jon leaned off of the back wall of the elevator exhaling a bit louder than he had intended. He extended his arm out to break the plane of the door sensor.

The Klingon standing next to him gave a feminine chuckle and said, “Long day?”

Jon glanced at the source of the voice. “Sorry, it’s been a long day.” The doors, having registered his arm, rebounded and started opening once more.

The Klingon smiled in such a way to give glorious look at her sharp rubber teeth. “So your costume is…prehistory Terran from the early 21^st century?”

He found himself chuckling, “Yeah” as he retreated himself against the back wall just as the man he had held the door for started to enter. As the man got on Jon noticed how he had covered all of his exposed flesh in what looked like copper spray paint. As apprehension set in he couldn’t but help admit to himself that had he noticed this before he might not have held the door. Jon’s eyes went up to meet the man’s and that was when things went from strange to creepy. The look on the man’s face was one he had adorned himself back in the ninth grade when he got busted for holding up a boom box out under Jenny Durant’s window on that particularly warm spring night on April 13^th. Oh the cops were never called but he remembered the look on her parents faces and imagined that was the face he now wore. The wizard man reached into a pocket on the inside of his robe as he started laughing nervously.

The Klingon woman standing next to him apparently felt a disturbance in for the force as well for she let a shriek of her own as she swung down her PVC staff weapon downward and slapped it upon the coppery hand of the black robed wizard. His hand went downward and with it out dropped a thick manilla folder. Jon found his own stomach had dropped along with the manilla folder. Jon feared he knew exactly what was in that envelope.

It was the man’s book.

Some sick and twist part of Jon’s mind, especially after the day he had just had, wished the man had pulled a knife instead. He could deal with being mugged but having to listen to another pitch in the elevator would have been too much.

The man cried out in pain and brought his hand up to his mouth where he began sucking on the knuckle on his thumb. With bugged out eyes he mumbled out to his assailant, “Whatd yho dou the for?”

The elevator jostled as it started moving.

The man, keeping an eye on the Klingon by glancing every half second in her direction, pulled his thumb out of his mouth and reached down for his package again. He straightened himself up and held it out towards Jon. “You are Jon Dow right?”

Jon wanted to shake his head but after seeing what the poor man had just endured nodded it instead.

The wizard gave his best smile as the movement of the elevators vertical motion enhanced his already shaky grip on his package. “I thought so but wasn’t sure it really was you but I had to take a chance seeing how I came here just to find you.” His brows widened a bit. “You don’t anything like the picture on your website.”

Jon found himself admitting, “That’s kind of intentional.”

The wizard laughed again as he hovered his package closer to Jon’s face. “This is my only copy so if you could look it over tonight that would be great. I was hoping to also submit it to Jane from Do’herty publications. Who knows a bidding war might erupt between the two of you.” He snorted in excitement. “R.K. Rolling needs to step aside for the next great adventure because here I come!”

Jon smiled at the realization that the wizard had just given him an escape. “Oh well why don’t you just save it for now and submit it to Jane tomorrow. I have a headache and could really just use a night to myself so I can be ready to go again in the morning.”

The wizard lips shaped themselves into something resembling the letter ‘O’. It didn’t last long as they began shaping out what he said next, “But if you don’t read it how are you going to know what you are bidding on?” The elevator dinged that it had reached the next floor and the doors started to open.

The wizard cleared his throat as if sensing his time was coming to an end. “Its the story about a shy teenager who discovers he has the power to save the world- uh no, universe- from the forces of Steve Boweling- err.. darkness.” He started blushing “Boweling is the name of my villain. I felt having a real sounding name would give him a sense of existing in this real world and make it more ominous.” His blush faded into as a sense of strength and determination seemed to take over. “Our hero finds the help of an older mentor who-”

The people from this floor started boarding and Jon took a quick glance at the Klingon who looked to have a transfixed look about her face as if not believing what she was witnessing.

“-instrumental in helping our hero achieve the ultimate power!” He finished up with a wide grin seemingly ignorant the queer looks he was getting from those who just entered and were having to hug the walls to avoid his flailing enthusiasm.

Jon had to force himself to blink. He had survived another pitch. The wizard grin was slowly fading and Jon knew this is the point where he needed to say something that wouldn’t crush this man-boy. “Interesting pitch but I’m sorry. I’ve been fighting a migraine and its making it really hard to focus right now.”

The wizard said with a cheeky grin, “I’m my universe they outlawed migraines.”

Jon gave a quick nod, “Yes well that it makes me want to live there all the more.”

The elevator stopped once more on the next floor and a few people got out as one person outside looked like they wanted to board.

The wizard extended out his folder once more, “So you will read it? Remember I need to get it back early so-”

Jon finished his sentence for him, “Yes, so you can pass it along to Jane. Her and I have a professional rivalrous relationship you know.” Jon forced a grin. “Then again I might just keep it and never give her the chance to review it.”

The wizards face turned to one of pure horror. He pulled back his folder and moved to dart out the now closing doors.

Everyone still on board was in startled over what had just happened but soon enough they started poking fun at the absurdity to keep it light.

The elevator reached the next floor and everyone save the Klingon and Jon got off.

The doors closed again and Jon looked over at the Klingon as if to apologize to her for having to go through all that.

The look on her face told him it wasn’t over yet. She held out in her hand a thumb drive as she struggled to get her own words out of her mouth. “You are Jon Dow? My name is Sue Maryland. I wrote a Klingon romance novel and was wondering if you could…”

[the] pItlh

(Which is translated from Klingon)