Be warned there are spoilers here.

 

 

No really…I’m going to talk about the film.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Turn away if you want to remain a virgin of my twisted thoughts…

Oh wait…if you are here reading this then you are either already corrupted or are just the unluckiest fool on the internet and really need to look into buying that some of my ocean front property I have for sale in Arizona.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Okay here I go…

(Last chance to turn around)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WHAT THE F*orce did I just see?

That thing had SSOOO many plots holes it felt like a Michael B(oom)ay movie.

I mean seriously? I thought it was awesome with the death star in episode IV. I thought it was cute in episode VI with the bigger death star but it felt a bit like “fool me once, fool me twice” kind of stuff. A third flipping time? Hey how do we kill the thing? Why not use the ventral vent trick again? Sure. I mean its not like anybody remembers any of the other movies central plot points.

Han? Really? Had to give him the shaft? Okay that one I can buy into a bit more than the others.

The space slugs onboard Hans cargo barge? That had Spock outcast on ice world with young alternative universe Kirk written all over it. I know they needed a *cough* clever plot device to get Han out of the jam between two nefarious smuggler operations but come on. Is that the best you can do?

Another thing that remind me of the other franchise was the whole understanding the alien/robot where the viewer can’t. Scotty/Keenser vs Rey/BB8 anyone?

The whole R2D2 waking up near the end. Huh? What was all that about? Weak… just weak.

C3PO with the red arm dialogue? “You might not have recognized me with my red arm…” Weak…

Captain Phasma…started off bad-ass but then… weak ass wanker lowering the shields cause she “got punched.” Disgusting.

The timing of the Xwings blowing up as they attacked the StarBase UN-Thriller? They started out attacking the planet base with 20 ships and as the movie focused on them their numbers started to decline down to *just under half* as one of the resistance personal pointed out to show the level of stress being felt by all. Then once the big planet is killed off they escape with about 6 ships which means that in the first three minutes they lost over half their squad and then in the last fifteen minutes when the story was focused on Han and his explosives they only lost another three and that was during the trench run. Yes you heard me…another trench run.

SHAKING MY HEAD

Had this been a reboot I wouldn’t have minded so much of the old is new again like some unnamed director did in the other big budget space movie…who was that person? The name escapes me but it might just be all the lens flare affecting my memory.

Lens flare…SHAKING MY HEAD

 

 

Alright I think I’m done ranting for now.

 

FINAL SCORE: Overall I would give this thing a grade scale of “B”. I enjoyed the movie, but I also felt as if my childhood had been slightly raped. Not Jar-Jar raped, not by a long shot, but still it felt as if my expectations had been raised to such levels that to have *just* a good/decent movie to show for it isn’t enough. You can’t play with my inner child like this and not be accountable to a higher standard.