I woke up an hour earlier than needed this morning.

Have you been reading my posts? You already know I’m nuts so that question doesn’t need any further pondering. I mean really.

I’m trying to find my story focus once more. You see I’ve hit a bit of a story speed bump and I’m trying to get myself immersed once more into the narrative in hopes of pushing through it.

So here I sit on the train heading into work a half hour early. Why? Because the video I was watching on Scrivener by some nameless tool on YouTube was a joke. Listen I don’t really care if you lost all of your files on your portable usb drive when you plugged it into your system. I want to know how to use the software and not get distracted with your inability to store multiple copies of your works. Yes you finally figured out that you need to be saving your files onto Dropbox, congrats. You know what’s even better Einstein? Syncing that same Dropbox to multiple computers so that each of them also has the same files and updates themselves every time you turn one of them on. I have my stuff synced on my work computer, my home computer, my netbook, and my tablet. So even if I manage to lose a few devices to some disaster I always have the others synced up to within a few days of their last boot up.

I printed out the last five chapters of my current story, Sup-Her, and come tomorrow morning, once I wake up and sneak out, which is another reason I have been getting up earlier than usual to self-train myself into not sleeping in so easily, and am going to lay them all out on a table and go through them with a grand overview to see how these things needed to be weaved back together. Did I do that comma thing right?

Random change of topic segway ~

So yesterday I was listening to NaNoWriMoEveryMonth and heard my question(s) answered by the show’s host. I am a horrible man and can’t remember names to save my life which is another reason I call my wife “hunny.” I believe her name is J.D. Sawyer but what do I know, she doesn’t do the dishes all that much so why should I bother remembering?

Anyway the host gave me a kind of slap in the face, not that he was rude but more that he gave me an unintended reminder of something somebody else told me once that I apparently needed to be reminded of. I am my own worst enemy. You see for whatever reason, genetically, how I wasn’t loved enough as a child, the lizards that ate my older brother, whatever. The truth is that I have always held myself in low esteem. I have never had a strong belief in my own abilities and that is why I have always held myself back. I also know that part of this is due to other people always being full of shit and not having the ‘balls’ to ever speak the truth. I have also fallen prey to the fake people who seemed to have it together but in reality are nothing more than charlatans that are trying to keep themselves afloat upon the bodies of those they have drained dry.

I have been unsure of myself. I have been afraid. I am inexperienced but I have never been fake. I… want the knife. Okay that is a bad Eddie Murphy movie quote but that is just how my mind works. “I” just saw “I” had written a bunch of “I’s” and thought “I” needed to poke fun at “I-self.”

Self-deprecation, in m“I” opinion is the part of humility and self-acceptance. The world is too stupid not to poke fun at yourself now and again. It can also be very grounding. My problem has always been not in the brakes but in the gas. Writing is a form of gas for me, it burns inside of me. I have a passion that needs an outlet and I am the biggest thing standing in my own way.

Yesterday I took another baby step in the right direction by sharing the entirety of my Doug story with a “Friend” that I have yet to meet face to face. We have been having some sort of bromance over email for about two months and have a lunch date planned for Monday. I’m thinking it this upcoming Sunday might be a good day to finally take a shower?

The train is about two stops away from where I get off. Ewww… Why do I say these things? I mean bromance, shower, getting- anyway….

That’s it for now,

Laters.