Today is Jan 13^th. It’s been about a week since I came to a…’pause’ in my writing. I’m going to use the word pause as I can’t think of a better one at this time. I emailed out my two different drafts to a number of people and am still awaiting some responses as to which version they thought was stronger and why. I feel somewhat paralyzed or should I say crippled until I know more. Now before you go there with the “you should do what you want to do and damn the rest” thinking I just want to point out that this is kinda bullshit. I can do both styles as I did do both styles and both styles came out of me in a free flow with very little prompting. I consider it kind of like bilingualism where a child is brought up knowing two languages. They can use both as they see fit but also need to know when each might be more appropriate or conducive to use. I don’t consider that fear so much as trying to know when a tool is best used and when not to. I kind of equate it to being nude. Yes you have a penis but that doesn’t mean it’s appropriate to go waving it around in every situation when dealing with the public. I can have my naked waving sexy time on my own and shouldn’t use when going to pick up my kid at the daycare.

So, I wait….

I still have the desire to write and did a short rough 1,500 word piece about my trip to the FUn land of Canada a dozen years back. Still it’s not the same. I have also been working through a cold and with my head feeling as if it was about to ooze out of my skull I found that wasn’t very conducive to writing either. Still, I want answers.

(Voice of a fatherless child in the ghetto)”Are you my Daddy?” Yeah I hear your projections “that ain’t that funny. You having first world problems and poking fun at others who are less fortunate than blah blah). I’m not saying I’m better, I’m just saying I have the chance of figuring mine out and it is that possibility that is driving me nuts. I’m currently ridding the train into work again this morning and just a few minutes ago got to watch as the train driver ‘asked’ a reality challenged woman to exit the train with all of her worldly possessions and draped in garbage bags. It had a bit of dark laugh as I watched her flip out over the request and do something of a Wil Smith dance of ‘Getting Giggy With It’ as she grabbed her wheeled ice chest cart and cursed the driver out.

Oh, I heard that David Bowie died a few days ago. I can’t say this affects me a great deal. I think I read that he was 69. While I am but days away from my own 45^th birthday I can honestly say “why so young” but the more logical side of me says “70? That’s a decently old age.” I don’t want to die. I know I don’t want to die in any horrible kind of way but in the end understand what it is. I’m not ready but I think I can accept the inevitability of it. I and only I won’t know that truth until the time comes but I ‘have faith’ in my outlook.

I really do feel much better today than I did even yesterday. I know I’ve said before how long my days are but I don’t think they are that unique. It is a sad world when we are all so pressed for time that we lose the ability to even just relax for a bit and reflect on life the way we should. It was 9:30 last night by the time I finally got my son quiet and into his bed. I plopped down into my own and pulled out my…I can’t think of the correct wording at the moment…white-screen kindle device, and plopped it up upon my chest and started to flick through the book options on it. Just an hour before I had taken a swig of Nyquil and could feel its effects on my system. My wife came in and asked if I had put our son down already to which I said yes. She said she was upset that she hadn’t gotten the chance to kiss him goodnight and I groggily replied what time it was and she had plenty of time when she was downstairs on the couch texting and or candy crushing and not to bother now as she would only wake him or further prevent him from falling asleep.

I woke this morning and rolled off of my kindle to find my son wedged in between me and my wife.

Hello today. I expected my son to go to sleep in his own bed. My son desired to sneak into ours. What wins in life? I want to be a writer and keep pushing towards it but at what point does the ticking of fate say “It’s time to get off the train David.”