Tony E. Milf 20150802 – Vratam Ahum
Tony E. Milf
20150802 – Vratam Ahum
“Red five standing by-”
The door exiting into the garage from the house opens up. I reach over and with my computer mouse hit pause on the video I was watching. I glance over towards the disturbance I felt and note the disheveled looking woman that is my wife. I am not sure why but her recently ‘risen from the bed’ look strikes me as attractive and I smile at her as I call out “Hey baby.”
She gives me a weak ‘hasn’t had her coffee yet’ smile, but I can see by the look in her eyes she is wants something of me.
Being the poor mind reader that I am I am forced to ask, “What is it?”
Her face doubles down on the smile, she does want something. “I wanted to try and do my meditation this morning.” This was something she recently started doing. But as Murphy would have it every time she tried our son would mysteriously wake up and come in search of her, thus ruining her attempt. “Can you come inside and-”
I knew where she was going, “Yeah sure.” I went to shutdown the system and then press the power button on the monitor. Seconds later I was entering the hall towards the family room from the garage.
She still readying herself by finding her phone and moved to nudge the cat off of the center of the love seat. I don’t know how felines developed the instinct to sprawl themselves out on whatever a human is working on but it is devilish. I am also willing to bet there is no shortage of cats in hell either.
The cat cries out in indignant protest but with this being a regular occurrence my wife shows little sympathy. She settles herself in and says, “Do you want to do this with me?”
I hadn’t expected the question. My gut gave my mouth and answer before my brain could fully articulate as to how I had come to that decision. I said “yes.” She gave me a smile and started to explain the process and how long it would take. As she did this another part of my brain was still reviewing the logic behind my gut answer. At least for myself I didn’t expect much out of the experience. Since it was my wife’s thing, and for fear of discouraging her, I went along.
I have always been the type of person that found going to sleep easy. That is at least the case when I’m not worked up over something, which is a rarity. The only caveat is that I be somewhat tired to begin with. My wife hates me for it. She says her brain just doesn’t turn off. Of course she is quick to throw in that the reason I can do this is because my brain never truly turns on in the first place. I typically give her the finger, the ring finger. This has duplicitous meanings, one it symbolizes I’m too stupid to use the middle finger, and the other is that she married me. So by this logic she is even dumber than me. Sarcasm is almost like sex to me. On those rare occasions when I find sleep just not coming I have to find often seeking the help of my own naturally produced hormones. I go seek out a quiet corner of the house, sometimes the garage, other times a locked bathroom, and let out some pent up frustration. As is typical with most men, the male body starts to get drowsy. It’s a win-win.
Getting back to my wife, but still trying to determine the logic behind the answer, she isn’t of this mind set. Things fester within her. I am a duck, things just roll off my back. Granted not everything, just most things. With her she can’t seem to let go. She is essentially a pack-rat of thoughts. I think in my prior life, the grade school years, I was as well. Around the age of 13 I can to an understanding that we really have no fucking idea of the pure chaos that swirls through our lives. I basically developed something of a Buddhist attitude of “let it be” without realizing what it was. This has been my default setting for much of my life.
This is what my wife was seeking, this is why I said yes.
All that understanding happened in the span of about a second. My wife said, “It starts out with Oprah talking and then a guy named Mr. Blah takes over. You will need to keep your eyes closed as you focus on what it is they are saying.” She didn’t really say ‘Mr. blah’ but it was a foreign name and I didn’t want to repeat is wrong and accidentally insult the guy.
She reaches for her phone and looks poised to press start, “Ready?”
I nod. It starts and soon enough I hear Oprah’s voice. My squirrel mind instantly starts thinking of her life and what she has been doing with it since her daytime show went off the air. I try to close my eyes and purge my thoughts and focus in on her voice.
“Meow.”
I try to ignore the damn cat.
“Meow.”
I open my eyes and pat down softly upon my lap as an invitation for the cat to jump up onto me. My hope is that with some pets she will shut the fuck up and sit still. She jumps up and moves to lay down right over both of my hands. Fine I think and close my eyes again. The cat, not happy due to her lack of being pet, gets up and starts wobbling all over my lap. She starts butting the top of her head into my chin. Grumbling I open my eyes and grapple and pin her with one hand while trying to pet and calm her with the other.
“Meow.”
The cat isn’t happy. She breaks free from my dominant alpha predator vice like grip and jumps over to my wife’s lap.
“Meow.”
My wife pushes the cat off without ever cracking her eyes. I realize only after the fact that she didn’t need to open her eyes and felt impressed. Half a second later my mind identifies that she didn’t need to open her eyes as she could feel the cats weight upon her. I then smirk to myself thinking she married me, its her own damn fault.
The cat, feeling neglected, goes elsewhere. I ponder had I played harder to get that she would have settled for my lap?
I try to push the cat out of my mind and focus in on what is being said.
“Focus on the mantra”
“Meow.”
I wonder how many people ended up in hell because of kicking cats. I lift my foot a few inches and stomp it down upon the carpeted floor. The cat startles and so does my wife. “You don’t need to do that.”
Yes. Yes I do. “Sorry.”
Mr. blah utters the mantra again, “Vratam Ahum.”
The only reason I can remember that is because its uttered so often-
“Meow.”
I curl my upper lip back into my mouth as my lower jaw starts to protrude a bit.
“Vratam Ahum.”
I can’t but help wondering if the direct translation of this phrase is ‘kick the cat’?
“Meow.”
I do my best to ignore the cat. The cats name is “Nibbler.” Can you guess why she earned that name? The cat jumps up on my wife’s lap and swipes at my wife’s hand as if seeking to dispense retribution at the tasty fingers which have not been offered henceforth. My wife begins to pet her all the while pulling back on her sausage shaped snack-pendages from years of experience.
I try once more to get into the moment. I can’t but help opening my eyes again and watch as my wife’s hand, while she is keeping her own eyes shut, floats between the cat’s harpooned talons and teeth of consummation.
I close my eyes once more.
“Vratam Ahum.”
Time starts to pass.
“Vratam Ahum.”
I notice that my wife has made no sharp cries of pain and the cat seems strangely satiated. I try to lose myself into the chanting.
“Vratam Ahum.”
I peek over at the two of them. They have a symbiosis of sorts. For what seems like a fleeting moment is the chaos that is life there is balance. At least for my wife. I find myself relishing her ability to find it even if it is fleeting. My spirit is lifted and had I been looking at myself from outside my body I might have noticed an accidental smile upon my face.
I am happy for her.
“Vratam Ahum.”
I can’t say exactly how but I found myself starting to weep. I found myself being drawn to her. Not so much as in the physical sense, though that was also present, but in the joy of life sorta way. I dared not disturb her focus and so I relished the emotion of joy that I was experiencing. Like when at the movies, during an emotional scene, I try to not look like the blubbering idiot that ruins the moment for others. Seeing a grown man crying in the middle of movie theater is a scary scene, especially for the person who had been trying to hide it.
In silence I let the tears roll down my face.
“Vratam Ahum.”
My wife is beautiful and I am on the verge of being a blubbering idiot.
“Vratam Ahum.”
I love her. I feel as if the outside of my face is a twisted smile similar to the way the Joker looks in Christopher Nolan’s The Dark Knight movie.
“Vratam Ahum.”
I want to jump out of my chair and embrace her but accept this isn’t about me. It is about her and her beauty. For me to act would be to pick the rose from which I am gazing and to condemn it to death for having picked it.
“Vratam Ahum.”
And then the moment is gone.
From upstairs I can hear the sounds of my four year old son walking towards our bedroom which is situated just above the room we are in. Leaping out of my chair I rush tend to him hoping my wife will not be ejected from her moment.
As I’m heading up the stairs I hear Nibbler meow once more as she swipes out again. This time she catches my wife’s fingers and manages to wrangle my wife’s fingers into her mouth. I then hear my wife breath sharply as I can only presume is due to a sudden pain.
Fucking cat.
“Vratam Ahum.”
End